I guess I haven't been paying much attention to the blog lately but booooy have I been busy. Today I kinda have an exam but can't really concentrate so hopefully getting out some stuff will come as a relief.
I don't know... it seems that life isn't really going as I planned it would. I'm one of those people that have a clear picture of what should happen in advance... not always possible but it worked most of my life. So basically, I've been feeling crappy these few weeks. Maybe it's the weather, maybe the fact that I really do feel lonely sometimes... I just don't know and don't have the strength to deal with that right now. I messed up my 3rd semester by not showing up for classes, not doing the homework, not doing anything actually just cause I felt depressed, lol. How stupid can one get... I mean there are people with far worse problems than mine... but it's nice to feel sorry for yourself for once in your life. I always had to be the strongest, the most together one.... hehe... and the truth is that I was an empty shell for a while. Soon after my dad died about 5 years ago I think (I stopped counting to be honest) everything in my life just fell apart, but never showed it to anyone... people even thought I was made out of stone... which was kinda true. But wasn't about to show it to anyone. Then some shit happened in my "love" life... but what did I expect, with 15 you don't really know what you're doing. And then just gave up. I committed myself entirely to my friends. Didn't have anyone else. So that's the reason I feel so connected to them... the three of them were the only ray of sunshine in my life then. But as everything in life, that period passed eventually, time doesn't make you forget... it only teaches you to deal with everything somehow. Then high school finished and was time to decide what to do with the future. The "big" question was, should I start working or should I continue to college... and again not much choice here either. To make it short... my mom chose what high school for me was the right one and college wasn't going to be any different. I wanted to study biology, and I was pretty good at it, plus I loved it more than anything in the world. But I guess it wasn't good enough for me so it really came to languages or nothing. It's not that I don't appreciate the concern but I always made good decisions about my professional life. Looking back to it... maybe mom made all those for me, wow... independence... what's that like? :P Soooo, after that I've decided that it was time to come out. I mean, I've been gay my whole life but never thought it would last (kinda hoped it wouldn't) but I guess 20 years do have a way of changing your mind. I think that was the high point of my life then. I felt liberated like never before. Seemed more happier, lost weight, changed my style and actually became what it usually known as handsome, lol. Well not really, but still... I look much better than before, people actually started noticing me. I had one relationship that was awesome and of course my self-destructing nature had to end it when it started getting serious :P and since then I've been looking for at least someone normal... semi-normal... ohhh what ever... everyone's got a chance with me now :P as long as it's not a casual one night stand. But it's not all bad as I look back now... I've met awesome new people that I really enjoy hanging out with. Which is strange cause the old me would never let anyone in that fast... but I guess I like the new me. And I like that I allow people to come close to me now...
Ohh well I guess this really helped :D Well if anyone's reading this (which I sincerely hope is no one :P) I want to make a statement that I'm not the basketcase I seem to be in here :P Hmmm... I guess I should be going since I do have an exam tomorrow which is in about 8 hours :P sooo, till next time :)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment