Old ghosts

Today wasn’t really the best day ever. I have successfully avoided one particular hospital for about five freakin’ years because my dad died from cancer there. Well I guess one can’t really run from that nightmare forever.
My mom has a friend that just went “under the knife” and was hospitalized there and her daughter and I are friends since early childhood so I wanted to be there for her. Because they live in another city and the main hospital is in the capital, of course, she stayed with us. Yesterday was bearable because I was waiting for her in parking lot when the visiting hours were over and we went to my place where I made a quick lunch. After that I went to the gym and got back with 2 friends and they prepared a pretty tasty dinner. Back to story… today I actually got in… and I really, and I do mean really, hate that hospital. To make my experience even worse, I was supposed to go to the 3rd floor and I kinda ended up on the second (the elevator was out of use and suddenly I forgot what numbers were). I got in the wing (on the 2nd floor) and I felt a strange chill going down my spine, it was very creepy, but I couldn’t put my finger on it… I mean yeah a hospital, something I hate but still it felt weird. I looked around and saw the reason why… the room where I saw my dad dead. I will never forget that day. It still haunts me at night. I couldn’t stop shivering. Suddenly everything just came back as a flash and I just ran out of there. I went up the floor but it was too late. The thing I feared the most came to bite me on the ass. So basically I went home as crap. I just couldn’t stand being with someone, and yet, couldn’t stand being alone. I was glad that and hour from the return home I had to go to the gym with the 2 friends I mentioned earlier. Everything was just fine. We joked around like everyday and nothing was different but I was strange. I almost never get really angry… have high threshold for tolerating jokes but today I just wanted the company. I wanted for someone to take my mind off everything that was happening earlier today but I couldn’t stand being the butt of the joke… not today. At one point I just stopped talking and put everyone on ignore, which was pretty rude because after the workout we went for pizza and my boyfriend came along. Plus it wasn’t like anyone knew what was happening to me.
Hopefully no one will take today against me and I do need to work on my social skills a little bit more from now on.

Ohhh... happy days :)

... I guess life's good to me these few days :P. I don't know why but I do feel happy now. Don't have stuff to complain or bitch about (well if I want I can dig some out :P) and basically the sun is out and shining. And finally getting my life back on track with showing up for school, on a diet, working out, new boyfriend... actually 2 in a period of 10 days :P

Well, I guess I can try to write something deep which is going to include more than my new look or the sex life... which is great btw :P

What was happening in my life? I'm done with the exams which is great and finally can take a breath, volunteering in an organization for people with special needs and I'm having the best time there. I don't know... even if I have the worst day ever, just spending time with them liberates me. Doesn't matter what they're doing, they are always with a huge smile. It must be nice to see the world from a simple point of view (and I don't mean this offensively), with no fear for the future. As far as I know they see it like that... actually I hope.
Aaaaa the 2 boyfriends? Yeah... :P There was a gay film festival 2 weeks ago or so... in which the movies sucked but we are obligated to watch them. And the last day of the festival they made a party in a club that I didn't even know existed. Well I was blind drunk and went to the party and had a blast. Danced like crazy, laughing with my friends... something that happens rarely, good parties are almost a myth here. So, at the end of the night I saw a cute guy sitting on the other side of the table. I'm horrible at flirting so I didn't even try. But I guess the guy liked me too and he asked my friends about me... long story short, we had a date the next day and it was wonderful. He took me to a restaurant which is kinda weird for me... coffee would do just fine. But he was older and I guess it was normal for him. After that we took a walk by the river and he was so charming. I scheduled with friends to watch a movie after the date so I invited him to my place (strictly to watch a movie) and after the movie when everyone left I kinda gave in. Never had sex on a first date before and I felt cheap. Don't know why but it was the first time I acted like that... usually I'm more self conscious. But it was the best sex I've ever had :P. But that was it... great sex. I wanted something deeper, to have someone I can lean on when I feel like crap, to be the person for leaning on when the other person feels like crap. That was missing. We couldn't make a single conversation so we would just jump right in the sack. I had to end it. While I was dating the nympho I started talking to another guy who seemed sweet and I don't know... probably desperate for the same thing I was longing for. After some time I realized that I have a lot in common with him. So after I broke up I took my chances with this one. And till now I don't have a single regret about my decision. I really hope that this is going to last cause he really is just a sweetheart.
Well I guess those are the recent updates in my life and can't wait to see if this mood is here to stay... at least for a while. :)

Rambling as always :P

I guess I haven't been paying much attention to the blog lately but booooy have I been busy. Today I kinda have an exam but can't really concentrate so hopefully getting out some stuff will come as a relief.
I don't know... it seems that life isn't really going as I planned it would. I'm one of those people that have a clear picture of what should happen in advance... not always possible but it worked most of my life. So basically, I've been feeling crappy these few weeks. Maybe it's the weather, maybe the fact that I really do feel lonely sometimes... I just don't know and don't have the strength to deal with that right now. I messed up my 3rd semester by not showing up for classes, not doing the homework, not doing anything actually just cause I felt depressed, lol. How stupid can one get... I mean there are people with far worse problems than mine... but it's nice to feel sorry for yourself for once in your life. I always had to be the strongest, the most together one.... hehe... and the truth is that I was an empty shell for a while. Soon after my dad died about 5 years ago I think (I stopped counting to be honest) everything in my life just fell apart, but never showed it to anyone... people even thought I was made out of stone... which was kinda true. But wasn't about to show it to anyone. Then some shit happened in my "love" life... but what did I expect, with 15 you don't really know what you're doing. And then just gave up. I committed myself entirely to my friends. Didn't have anyone else. So that's the reason I feel so connected to them... the three of them were the only ray of sunshine in my life then. But as everything in life, that period passed eventually, time doesn't make you forget... it only teaches you to deal with everything somehow. Then high school finished and was time to decide what to do with the future. The "big" question was, should I start working or should I continue to college... and again not much choice here either. To make it short... my mom chose what high school for me was the right one and college wasn't going to be any different. I wanted to study biology, and I was pretty good at it, plus I loved it more than anything in the world. But I guess it wasn't good enough for me so it really came to languages or nothing. It's not that I don't appreciate the concern but I always made good decisions about my professional life. Looking back to it... maybe mom made all those for me, wow... independence... what's that like? :P Soooo, after that I've decided that it was time to come out. I mean, I've been gay my whole life but never thought it would last (kinda hoped it wouldn't) but I guess 20 years do have a way of changing your mind. I think that was the high point of my life then. I felt liberated like never before. Seemed more happier, lost weight, changed my style and actually became what it usually known as handsome, lol. Well not really, but still... I look much better than before, people actually started noticing me. I had one relationship that was awesome and of course my self-destructing nature had to end it when it started getting serious :P and since then I've been looking for at least someone normal... semi-normal... ohhh what ever... everyone's got a chance with me now :P as long as it's not a casual one night stand. But it's not all bad as I look back now... I've met awesome new people that I really enjoy hanging out with. Which is strange cause the old me would never let anyone in that fast... but I guess I like the new me. And I like that I allow people to come close to me now...
Ohh well I guess this really helped :D Well if anyone's reading this (which I sincerely hope is no one :P) I want to make a statement that I'm not the basketcase I seem to be in here :P Hmmm... I guess I should be going since I do have an exam tomorrow which is in about 8 hours :P sooo, till next time :)